Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
