look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
