i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
