I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
