Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
