I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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