I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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