i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
