No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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