So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
