Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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