just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
