I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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