i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
