Taylor Swift is so right about you.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
