sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
