his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
