I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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