I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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