Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
this just has baby written all over it
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
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