I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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