She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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