I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
