Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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