A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
