the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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