OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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