This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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