he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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