I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
