I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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