my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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