Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
