i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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