I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
