Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
