Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
