she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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