My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
