maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
