He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
