what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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