my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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