3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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