I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
