Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
