WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
