70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
