My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
