did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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