I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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