Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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