I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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