So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You've changed since you got that strap on
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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